Tuesday, April 12, 2011


extremely frustrated at times in the differences in lifestyle between me and the people I spend the most time with. Rather than hanging out with people equally or more ambitious than me, I hang out with people who are happy being... whatever. I babble on about dreams and ideas and the future and no one joins in, suggests, agrees...

the things I want I'm not sure if anyone else gives a shit about. and that's hard. because maybe what I want and the choices I need to make are incompatible with anyone else, with anyone elses path, and I'm going to end up all alone again.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


if I need you
then I am weak
for in your absence
I am broken absolutely

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Why am I allowing this to happen?

It is the equivalent of running away before the end, of hurting myself so that no one else can hurt me, of damaging myself so very badly that no one can do a worse job of it. If I'm going to feel horribly guilty for making her sad, I'd rather feel horribly guilty for giving her what she wants even with an ulterior motive.

And yet I think my motivations are multi- I honestly want to see her happy.  I'm curious. I'm lonely and tired.

I miss Minna.

I laugh on the outside and die on the inside.

I fall in love with pairs. With communities, with families, people I want to slide in beside. I so wish I could be a part, all I want is to be let in, and she'll never ever let me. I fell in love with her too and no one knows that. So it all hurt, it all hurts so much, I retreat to the dream world, I drown drown drown, maybe I can leave this life behind and find somewhere the the ozone doesn't dissolve, sliding away like a veil to reveal the tender, pulsing heart of something you love so much.

I'm running, running, running. 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bad planning is a bitch.

I'm extremely upset to be missing the discussion on "rites of passage" in the city tomorrow. and the tribal market tonight. and everything.

To succeed as an artist and a creature of the earth I feel like I have to network, network, network, go to every event, get into every market, listen, speak, and communicate. The topic of "rites of passage" within the framework of our modern society is EXTREMELY important to me. I want desperately to learn more about it. But I have to be here, studying, sewing, NOT spending money. If only this, if only that.

I worry that I have made mistakes in my choices, abrupt turns and twists and stumbling mishaps. I am focusing my energy where? I am trying to get a career in something I am passionate about so I can support my life as an artist, but I still want to be a full time artist? I am so confused.

Could I have planned this whole weekend much better? Oh, yes, and how many mistakes am I still making over and over.


I don't know what I'm doing right now. was there a way I could have made this weekend work? I'm not sure. maybe. Time goes by, time takes everything from us, I want to put my life on hold, I don't want to miss anything. This year's themes are important to me. But so is emerging into the place I want to be. I don't want to be where they are, living paycheck to paycheck with no real direction. I want to stop paying rent by 30, whether I own a house or live on my own lot or live perpetually on the road. I want to succeed as an artist and live the life I want.

focus focus focus. for today, forget all of this and sew. don't think about what you are missing. it is february after all. write and listen and dream and meet people later.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A house is not a home, I hate that song..

I'm FUCKING antsy all the time.

I'm uncomfortable, I can't get my shit straightened out, I am tired of being homeless and couch surfing and living on other people's fragile whims. Tip-toeing around roomates and kids and dishes and music and internet and exes and classmates' sensibilities and money and the value of my body. If I'm going to go sell my pretty ass I don't to feel guilty about it.

I'm crawling crawling CRAWLING out of my skin, I don't want to live my life on one side of an ampersand, I don't want to be a victim of my own laziness and indecision. How many broken bits and pieces do I have to leave scattered behind me until I figure out how to fix this mess of a girl this mess of a life, I shouldn't damn well drag someone else into it again. How many mistakes will I make again and again and again.

Just buckle down, make your little tiny life work where you are, miss your friends, miss your life, is a half a dream half away a waste of energy? Is it better to focus all of my energy on surviving my little pocket of misery until I can build a proper life here? Can I ever rise above the guilt and dagger eyes from her? It hurts hurts hurts I feel it all from her and I still almost want to take myself out of the picture.

I miss the girls too, the girls with the other boys, both across the water. I want something impossible there.

Focusing too much on too many things. Chop chop. sacrifice. it's all too much. I am scared, I am running, but there's a realist in there too. maybe I'm just crazy. still. always. maybe it will all be better tomorrow.

or maybe i'll get hit by a bus.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm going treeplanting.. again.

I hated it by the end of the summer last time. But now I'm excited. fuckin trees.

A collection of quotes:

It turned out that one of her other toenails was cutting into it somehow, and when she took off her boot to investigate, she discovered her foot was pretty bloody. I asked how she had dealt with it, and she said, "I didn't have nail clippers, so I chewed off my toenail, and it was fine after that."

July 21st: I spent the day doing dump runs. The Fox Creek dump is fairly low-tech. I showed up on the first run and asked how much it was to dump the load, and the attendant (who was feeding peanuts to a squirrel) asked how big my truck was. I told him, and then asked if he took credit cards. He thought for a minute, looked around at the trees, and said, "Does it look like I take credit cards?" Good point. I went back to town to get cash from the ATM.

"unless you are really gunning to experience dabbling in alcoholism, crying in front of strangers, and getting your first venereal disease, you should not go treeplanting"

"treeplanting will not allow you to think about your life, it will allow you to hide from the real world long enough to make you realize you would rather subject yourself to the mental and physical tortures of living in the bush rather than get a real job that requires you to shower, has a dress code, you are not allowed to swear, setting things on fire is frowned upon, you can't get drunk every day, and you are not allowed to smoke constantly."

I'm a masochist...

Monday, January 17, 2011

To all the ex lovers

to her:

I understand you're hurtin, but I'm hurtin too, what would you have me do? Tear out my own heart too? How could I have stopped feeling? If you could stop loving him would you? Am I supposed to stop loving him to make you happy? I know the two of you weren't happy together, but you stayed in your rut, in your habits, hurting eachother again and again. What happens if I go, if I cut all ties, leave this place I love, as I did once before? You and I will both be heartbroken and he will be alone? I gave you your 2nd chance, you have a million more, I make no claims.

I understand if you don't want to be friends, but lately you're making it really hard to even exist, to be civil. I have chosen him over you, and now you are going to fight me every step of the way... How do I behave... how do I make my way through this bed of coals. If you make him choose between me and his daughter, ah, Pele, that's cruelty. Brutality. Deep sadness reigns.

to him: I loved you so much, I did, but I grow and change and move on and you stayed the same, you stayed in the same place, and there wasn't any challennge or magic left anymore. I played at making a home but I ended up just sad. I wonder what I gave up and what I left behind and I think I'm happier now... but there's always a question.

to the first one: I made so many promises, so young, you wanted all of me, you wanted to mold me, you wanted to posess me forever. I still wonder how you're doing and where you are, I still want to be able to take you in my arms and make you feel better, but I'm so scared of you still. I know how she feels, because I know how you feel.

Love is not enough. Love is never enough. we are all fighting and dreaming and struggling to make it and be happy in this world. Take every moment as a gift, as something blessed that might be over at any moment. Bleed and take the pain you recieve as the price of the happiness you get. Wear your sadness with grace on weary shoulders and move on, cry and live your life, I won't apologize for who I am. I warned you all. You had your chances. I can't make my choices to make you happy. You can't control what other people choose. All you can do is breath and take another step, another day.

Forgive me if you will. Or don't. Just live for you.