Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie

So, in my life, I cycle from being an intelligent, fierce, ground-pounding, money-making tribal warrior,

into a drunken, manic, screaming, goth bitch,

into the soft kitten that sleeps in the corner.

BUT when I'm on, I'M ON. And this is one of the blogs that I've been reading when I am on, trying to learn some tricks about money and perhaps life. She tends to fill her blog with references to her motivational/teaching programs (which cost money), so I mist take it with a grain of salt, but even so. This article was the inspiration for my current train of thought.

My priorities have shifted, a little. They were extremely scrambled, i think.

number one is my mental health. It has always been precarious, but this year I have taken more time to recognize its triggers and patterns. These days I will let go of the requirements around me and let myself sleep and try to be happy. Part of this is working out at least once a week, taking days off to see my friends, and allowing myself time to get things done even if it means skipping work.

number two is my boy. I love him and he does a TON for me and I feel like I haven't been paying enough attention to him. Our life, our sex life, our house, takes precedence. What's it all for if not for him? (well for me too obviously, but the point is our mutual happiness.

number three is my edumacation. I spent all this time and money to be here, I like to consider myself an intelligent person, and I don't want the work I've put in all year to go to waste. It remains to be seen whether or not I will return. sociology & printmaking FTW.

number four is money, money, money. I love to travel, and I have already booked my flight out east in may. I bought my Emilie Autumn ticket for New York, and WON my ticket to Kinetik in Montreal! Whoooo! I also like stuff :D I bought a car, but I can't afford to insure it right now. I like to live comfortably, eat nice food, travel around locally, go out. Which brings me to:

number five is friends & fun. I try to leave myself time for that. it helps with #1.

SO because I've been so focused on one, two, and three, with a dash of five, that number four has suffered. I haven't been to work in three weeks (!!!) so that's why I'm so broke. That's also why I haven't had much to blog about! hahaha.

So, I'm off to work on number 3, with a little bit of number 5 later tonight hopefully :)

She doesn't fit

She will never fit in.

She can't slide in between people, making eyes and conversation, covering the rough bits of herself.

Her personality screams through her eyes, her loud words, her strange clothing. Everything about her is on the skin.

She screams neediness, big, sad eyes asking for a break, for a free ride, for your money.

Her mania breaks through in hyper, self-deprecating outbursts. She giggles, bites too hard, runs off in a flurry of clumsiness.

Her designs seem okay on paper, but come out all messy in real life. This is ok, even good, in her fashion, but here at school it is an utter failure.

More later....

A little better

I'm feeling a little better today, chipping away at the projects. I missed my morning class (again) but I may have gotten large project #2 almost out of the way. Large project #1 is within finishing sight and small project #3 is, well, barely started. But I can do it in the car on the way to snowboarding this weekend! Whoohoo!

I haven't been to work in quite awhile and I doubt I will make it this weekend, as I have projects to finish and I'm still exhausted. It's bad to get out of the habit, because every dollar will count when I'm travelling. School is more important, though, right? I must force myself to continue believing it.

This life still seems silly and insane. I want to be working out more, getting outside, running around in the park, anything rather than in the shop or on the computer all the time. I do miss working, being able to come home at night and not worry about this project or that, or the reading I'm weeks behind on. Justifying this degree is challenging.

But, I've put in this much time and effort, I'm going to finish at least this half.

The world rushes by, and here I am

As everything around me speeds up, my life has taken off without me, my commitments and tasks and jobs race on ahead of my body. My body stays in suspended animation, blinking in surprise and the world zooms by in a blur.

I can't even finish a blog entry.

Michael Seelt Industrial Whore photoshoot

I hate bleeding. I know, I know, TMI, but when you only work 2 days a week and those days end up being `heavy days` the weekend before you want to take a weekend off, then that means i'm going 3 WEEKS without earning a damn dime. I may try to squeeze in some weeknight shifts next week, but I have 3 projects DUE so AGGGGGH!

thank god for my day job.. which just gave me $150 prosperity bonus. In this economy! A prosperity bonus! woot woot! Also, I booked my plane ticket to Montreal in May! heavy industrial here I come! ALSO, my new boots have arrived but I missed the post office hours yesterday so I have to wait all the way until MONDAY to get them. :( Booo at least I will have them for my stompy gothy dance party next Friday :D:D

School is insane, so I haven't been doing much of anything else, which is causing some soulmate strain. That's another reason I'm not going to bother going to work tonight, though I could probably make things work, because I need some 1-on-1 time. I feel like we've both been needing that a lot lately, life has been SUPER stressful. Bah.

Anyways, this post was just to post a couple pictures from my shoot over Reading Week with Michael Seelt. it was a pretty amazing shoot, I am having a hard time picking just a couple to post :) I still have another shoot to post as well, but since I'm doing the post-production on that one, of course it hasn't gotten done. Surprise surprise! God I hate university. It sucks up all my spare creativity. :(

p.s. dear readers: as of yet I haven't posted any of my nude modelling pics. should I?

Dancing, always

So the last 2 nights at work have been pretty damn fun.

On friday, my regular couple came in to see me. They cheer me up so much, they are so young and cute and inappropriate. But I don't mind at all. (bad Trystan.) The girl is short and sweet and innocent, and they come in just to see me. The last time they were here it was the youthful rite of passage, the "oh my girlfriends is bisexual, I'll take her to the rippers," the oggling curiosity. Now, they adore me. In my punky, down-to-earth, rampant sexuality.

Last night was fun, too, though it was UFC night which is always weird. The place was packed from a pub crawl too, but the guys on pub crawls never have any money and there's too many girls! Sometimes theres a good couple people, but you have to sift through the entire crowd to find them. I met a guy at the end of the night, and it was one of the first times I felt I really inticed someone with conversation. We got to talking about motorbikes, among other things, and did dance after dance after dance. I really enjoyed it and it really bumped up my earlier shitty time.

I keep missing the slot between last call and 2:30 where you grab the guys for a last VIP on their way out. On friday it was because I had a last-call drink with a table of lawyers, who bought 5 dances between 2 of them, but I missed that last dance afterwards. Last night, at least it was because I was working.

So, it's been good. I paid back half of the money I've taken out of savings to buy boots and pay rent.. so hopefully I can get back on saving for that motorbike :D:D

sucky suck.

Tonight was shit. I made a lousy 200. I am 90% sure the girl counted my dances wrong, but what proof do I have? None. I learned a couple hard newbie lessons tonight, and I'm not very happy with myself.

*Keep your dance tickets
*Don't believe guys when they say they are going to tip you, they just have to go to the ATM.

Ugh. I really wanted to take a weekend off in March and go snowboarding and see some people, but if I want to do the trips I'm planning I really can't afford to. Especially if things continue as they are. Ugggghhh.

And my braids turned out less-than-spectacular, due to my thin short hair, cheap extension hair, and rushing them. Goddammit.

On the plus side, I had an amazing night at the club with my friends last night! It was a really good time! I hung out with my girls, saw a bunch of amazing people, and went to a neat little afterparty at a gorgeous apartment.

It's funny, $200 is WAY more than my best night at the bar that I worked at last spring, and would still be considered a decent day tree planting, and is double what I make in a shift at my day job, BUT in comparison it feels horrible! I should be compensated better for dancing my naked ass off! Lol.

Live and learn, little gypsy, live and learn. You are young yet.