Nothing tonight

Tonight... was a write off. I showed up at 8, dressed in my shiny bra and a garter belt, extensions and makeup perfectly done. At 8 pm there were about 5 cars in the parking lot and about as many people inside the club.

As the night wore on, I talked to everyone in the club... until about 10. Then slowly I got more discouraged, talked to a few different people, managed to pick the people who were interesting but didn't have any money. More and more girls showed up... it's only my 2nd night back, but I knew less than half of the dancers. The only people making money were the top earners/features.

I left with $25 (a table tip) and no dances sold at 12:30. On tuesday I had only sold 2 dances as of 1:30 and I stayed and still made $200. But tonight there were too many girls and I was already getting tired and frustrated.

I feel like a quitter. But at least I showed the fuck up. Oh well. Another day tomorrow.

I start stage shows on Monday! ai. Exciting but scary.

Back to work

Soooo I'm back! I returned to work last night, and it's hard. Their is a tragic reality that I still feel a sense of heirarchy, a sense of whether or not I'm as good as the next person. (In all aspects of life.) Words stumble and tumble abruptly from my lips when I try to have conversations with people. I have no sexy answer. I don't know what to say.

"Be yourself," you say.
Myself is sharp and abrasive, sarcastic or oblivious, self-effacing and sometimes shy. I don't know how to respond to peoples' questions or what to say to rude comments or empty silences.

But I showed up. And I tried. And I didn't sit too long by myself, only for a little while. I didn't go to work tonight because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY and I bought myself shoes on a really great sale :) They are amazing and adorable... <3 I also bought an iPhone and case and junk... damn those cases are expensive.

I am back tomorrow. I want to be good at this. I want to show up and dance. I want to make a lot of money. I want to manage it well, get out of debt, blah blah blah. Pay taxes?? If I have to I guess.

I used to write well but then I got distracted by the interwebs. dammit. More stories soon.

Short Update

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've written. I've had a lot going on, but no clear thoughts to write about. I only have five minutes right now.

Last week was really stressful for me. I had a fantastic weekend at work, including an all-time high money wise. I got to meet some really fun people and generally just mess around. And then, during the week, a person from my past came back into my life. Dealing with this person was incredibly stressful and emotionally draining, so I didn't end up doing anything functional the entire weekend. I wanted to go climbing, work, go to aeirals drop in, but none of that happened. Instead I curled into a little ball, sweating and shaking with fever, afraid of the world outside.

So now, of course, I have no money.

Back to the real world, back to work, ignoring this person as best I can. I worked my day job monday and today, and got my hair done yesterday! It's super beautiful, red and purple microring human hair. I love it but it's been so long since I've had long hair, I'm totally clueless when it comes to styling.

I'm off to work tonight, I've never worked a weeknight so hopefully it will go ok. I wish I dared try the amateur contest again, but I need some guarunteed money, even if its only $100.

I wish I could make my brain be stable, push past the horrible feelings, and just be happy. Drugs (pharmaceutical or otherwise) become more and more appealing. But that's not who I want to be.

Maybe a winning lottery ticket will fall on me out of the sky.

Amateur Night Recap

Well, that was a complete bust.

"Oh look, I'm great on stage and can work the crowd..."

"Oh wait, I didn't even place. I guess I'm REAL great at my job."

I was top 5 but not top 3. Albeit, the girl that got first was the bartender, and apparently the girl that placed second competes all the time, and always wins. She definitely had some stripper moves. The girl that got third... was hotter than me? Had really loud friends? The crowd decides who wins.

I just feel like I'm not "typical" enough to do this job. I have a very small niche attraction. Like the girl at the carnival.

The few times I've pulled the money it's been great, but I get more and more discouraged as time goes on. Dammit. I so wanted to be good at something, once in my life.

Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie

So, in my life, I cycle from being an intelligent, fierce, ground-pounding, money-making tribal warrior,

into a drunken, manic, screaming, goth bitch,

into the soft kitten that sleeps in the corner.

BUT when I'm on, I'M ON. And this is one of the blogs that I've been reading when I am on, trying to learn some tricks about money and perhaps life. She tends to fill her blog with references to her motivational/teaching programs (which cost money), so I mist take it with a grain of salt, but even so. This article was the inspiration for my current train of thought.

My priorities have shifted, a little. They were extremely scrambled, i think.

number one is my mental health. It has always been precarious, but this year I have taken more time to recognize its triggers and patterns. These days I will let go of the requirements around me and let myself sleep and try to be happy. Part of this is working out at least once a week, taking days off to see my friends, and allowing myself time to get things done even if it means skipping work.

number two is my boy. I love him and he does a TON for me and I feel like I haven't been paying enough attention to him. Our life, our sex life, our house, takes precedence. What's it all for if not for him? (well for me too obviously, but the point is our mutual happiness.

number three is my edumacation. I spent all this time and money to be here, I like to consider myself an intelligent person, and I don't want the work I've put in all year to go to waste. It remains to be seen whether or not I will return. sociology & printmaking FTW.

number four is money, money, money. I love to travel, and I have already booked my flight out east in may. I bought my Emilie Autumn ticket for New York, and WON my ticket to Kinetik in Montreal! Whoooo! I also like stuff :D I bought a car, but I can't afford to insure it right now. I like to live comfortably, eat nice food, travel around locally, go out. Which brings me to:

number five is friends & fun. I try to leave myself time for that. it helps with #1.

SO because I've been so focused on one, two, and three, with a dash of five, that number four has suffered. I haven't been to work in three weeks (!!!) so that's why I'm so broke. That's also why I haven't had much to blog about! hahaha.

So, I'm off to work on number 3, with a little bit of number 5 later tonight hopefully :)

Michael Seelt Industrial Whore photoshoot

I hate bleeding. I know, I know, TMI, but when you only work 2 days a week and those days end up being `heavy days` the weekend before you want to take a weekend off, then that means i'm going 3 WEEKS without earning a damn dime. I may try to squeeze in some weeknight shifts next week, but I have 3 projects DUE so AGGGGGH!

thank god for my day job.. which just gave me $150 prosperity bonus. In this economy! A prosperity bonus! woot woot! Also, I booked my plane ticket to Montreal in May! heavy industrial here I come! ALSO, my new boots have arrived but I missed the post office hours yesterday so I have to wait all the way until MONDAY to get them. :( Booo at least I will have them for my stompy gothy dance party next Friday :D:D

School is insane, so I haven't been doing much of anything else, which is causing some soulmate strain. That's another reason I'm not going to bother going to work tonight, though I could probably make things work, because I need some 1-on-1 time. I feel like we've both been needing that a lot lately, life has been SUPER stressful. Bah.

Anyways, this post was just to post a couple pictures from my shoot over Reading Week with Michael Seelt. it was a pretty amazing shoot, I am having a hard time picking just a couple to post :) I still have another shoot to post as well, but since I'm doing the post-production on that one, of course it hasn't gotten done. Surprise surprise! God I hate university. It sucks up all my spare creativity. :(

p.s. dear readers: as of yet I haven't posted any of my nude modelling pics. should I?

Life goes on.. simply!

So I was going to whine that no one ever updates their blog, but I haven't updated since sunday, so really I'm a hypocrite.

I have been working my butt off on school projects, and I repaired my down jacket last night because it's now cold as HELL here! Quite literally! It is -20 C right now! Ugh.

I have been reading http://zenhabits.net and nodding along. I am so tired of living in my apartment with my roomates.. I have way too much stuff. I feel like I don't have the time to go through it and do the "stuff purge" that desperately needs to be done. I own too many backpacks, too many clothes, too many boxes filled with random things. It's too hard to keep things clean when they are all covered. I can't find the clothes I want to wear and sometimes I find things I forgot I had. (I still refuse to get rid of shoes, though. haha. Though I have at least 3 pairs I rarely wear, but then when I need them nothing else will do. And I still want to buy a pair of New Rocks.. if I ever save enough money to buy a bike.)

I have STILL been spending recklessly. I have only taken $100 out of my savings (1/2 my income) but I didn't plan very well for rent... in other words, I won't have any spending money next week after I put money in savings and pay rent this weekend. Not to mention the couple hundred dollars on my credit card, plus my phone bill. *sighs*. I'm back to working my day job twice a week, rather than once in the last 2 weeks, so hopefully it will go back to paying the bills and I can save some more. I really, really, cannot wait to be done school so I can have a routine, work more, save more, and enjoy my free time more... *rolls eyes*.

Who am I kidding, in the summer I'm taking 3 dance classes and going on 3 seperate vacations. Plus a canoe/climbing trip or two. hopefully that will be midweek so I can still bank thu-sun. The hardest part about budgeting is my income is unpredictable... Hence why I should be paying things a bit at a time rather than waiting all until the end of the month! Eurgh!

Enough ranting! I'm going to go buy a coffee. fuck saving my change. *pbths at herself*