Nothing tonight

Tonight... was a write off. I showed up at 8, dressed in my shiny bra and a garter belt, extensions and makeup perfectly done. At 8 pm there were about 5 cars in the parking lot and about as many people inside the club.

As the night wore on, I talked to everyone in the club... until about 10. Then slowly I got more discouraged, talked to a few different people, managed to pick the people who were interesting but didn't have any money. More and more girls showed up... it's only my 2nd night back, but I knew less than half of the dancers. The only people making money were the top earners/features.

I left with $25 (a table tip) and no dances sold at 12:30. On tuesday I had only sold 2 dances as of 1:30 and I stayed and still made $200. But tonight there were too many girls and I was already getting tired and frustrated.

I feel like a quitter. But at least I showed the fuck up. Oh well. Another day tomorrow.

I start stage shows on Monday! ai. Exciting but scary.

Back to work

Soooo I'm back! I returned to work last night, and it's hard. Their is a tragic reality that I still feel a sense of heirarchy, a sense of whether or not I'm as good as the next person. (In all aspects of life.) Words stumble and tumble abruptly from my lips when I try to have conversations with people. I have no sexy answer. I don't know what to say.

"Be yourself," you say.
Myself is sharp and abrasive, sarcastic or oblivious, self-effacing and sometimes shy. I don't know how to respond to peoples' questions or what to say to rude comments or empty silences.

But I showed up. And I tried. And I didn't sit too long by myself, only for a little while. I didn't go to work tonight because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY and I bought myself shoes on a really great sale :) They are amazing and adorable... <3 I also bought an iPhone and case and junk... damn those cases are expensive.

I am back tomorrow. I want to be good at this. I want to show up and dance. I want to make a lot of money. I want to manage it well, get out of debt, blah blah blah. Pay taxes?? If I have to I guess.

I used to write well but then I got distracted by the interwebs. dammit. More stories soon.

Sorry for not posting in forever!

I have been super busy with festivals, where I drive out into the woods and camp and dance the night away. For these escapades, I built a 16' steel geodesic dome as a shade structure.

I love to travel, and my feet (and wheels) have been taking me all around lately. I ran off to another city to hang out with some amazing burner people and then voyaged off to a farm to dance around in the woods.

I had a hard time with this one party, I felt like the energy there was very damaging. It sucked at my edges, interfered with my buzz, distracted me from having a good time. I felt like I was jealous of everyone else having a good time, and not really fully involved in my own experience. I was over-exposed to the bad energy and therefore afraid to let any energy, even the good stuff, in.

I've only been to work twice since then. I get hot and tired and fall asleep and wake up groggy and unhappy. Perhaps I should air-condition my house, or spend less time watching tv in the hot living room.

Perhaps I should just stop being lazy.

My friday night was pretty fun. My manager is encouraging me more and more to do stage, and I think I will try to do it right after I get back. Of course, this necessitates a photo shoot the day after I get back from a week-long vacation without showering, but I'm sure I can pull it off :) One of my few friends at work was off sick with a kidney stone last week, and she has 2 kids, so I was feeling pretty bad for her. Around 1;30 I had just gotten out of a dance and was chilling in the back room with the money girls, and my friend was about to cash out.
Then this 18-year old kid wanders in. He looks like he lost his pub crawl, just out of high school with all the pride in the world and none of the lessons.

"Hey, howsit going," I say conversationally. I'm bored of this job, though its been easy tonight.
"I'm looking for a private dance," he stammers a little, obviously fairly drunk.
"Ooh me, ooh me!" I giggle, sticking my hand up in the air. He probably has $30 or maybe even $60, but he's an easy mark.. I didn't even have to walk the floor!
"So you wanna go for half an hour, right?" I ask my standard question. Don't ever give the customer OPTIONS.
"Sure," he says, "how much?"
"$200 including tip." This is the point that I expect him to balk.
Instead, he hands me the contents of his wallet.
"Aww honey you need another $60. Here's the ATM."

My friend butts in at this point. She is already in her sweats but she still looks hot.
"Do you want both of us?" she is medium skinned, soft-bodied, with epic tits and piles of honey brown curls. She looks almost hawaiin.
For a moment, red-hot anger flares up. I could have got my quota from this guy and gone home, and now she's getting half. It fades as quickly as it comes- I know she needs this, and she's been trying to help me get in on doubles all night, I've just been busy :)
"It'll be twice as much," I tell the kid.
"Ok.."
By this point, my friend and I are laughing at eachother behind his back. He's trying to figure out the ATM, so I tell him to give me his credit card and I'll put it in the right way up for him (heehee.) He is still coherant, but he says its his first time at a strip club and he wants it to be really good!

Anyways, long story short, we have our fun. My friend and I are all over eachother, not really dancing, taking swigs of her "fiji" water (read: vodka) in the back room. He's enjoying it. We tie him up with his belt and pull his hair, laughing at his innocence yet pleasing him at the same time. It's nice to relax with a girlfriend for once :) I even kick off my shoes.

We don't last the whole half hour, and so we ask him if he wants more :) Sure, he says. We put on half our clothes and go back out to the machine.
"I want another girl, too.."
"That'll be another $400 please Alex... *ding ding ding*"
More fun, its the end of the night, and our third girl gives him a massage, rolling her eyes and laughing behind his head. My friend and I enjoy ourselves, loving the easy money.

Anyways, even though I had a good night, I felt quite sick last night and didn't go in. I think it was mostly the heat, and the fact I have a hard time sleeping during the day, and I'd stayed up until about 4;30. Silly girl.

So I just spent the cooler hours of the night working on this GORGEOUS jacket I'm making. Unfortunately, its fur, and I was stupidly using a zipper foot to sew it (i.e. the fur got caught in the foot a lot) and I managed to punch the needle through my fingertip. I got all dizzy and thought I was going to pass out for an hour, but my cracked nail is still holding the cut together, so I think it'll heal up pretty quick. It HURT like a motherfucker though!

Alright I've got to do some more trim on said jacket, put in one more shift at the day job at 1 pm tomorrow, and then i'm off to the woods! *mwah* Pictures of the jacket and the dome to come when I get back!

~Trystan Cinnamon Pteradactyl~

On Sexuality

When I was 15, I was determined to die. Just short of actively suicidal, I was sure that one day, very soon, the bus would crash, the booze would be too much, that car wouldn't stop as I sauntered across the street. So, sex was something I had to do before I died.

When I was 16, sex was the inevitable end to a drunken night. Sometimes desired, sometimes not, a few times it was held-down, struggling, not screaming because my friends were in the next room. There was comfort in these overgrown adolescents, the punks who wanted this punk teenage girl, with her shaved head and disasterous fashion.

When I was 17, sex was a game of conquests. I could fuck whoever I wanted to. I never had to say no or settle, because I was determined to fuck the prettiest boy in the room. I wanted to take my control back, to conquer, to attain. My weekends were full of drugs and bright colours, my mornings were twitching comedowns in someone else's house, afraid to go home all sketchy-like.

I lost a year or so of my life, after that. It started innocently enough, another conquest of an older boy. Slowly he stole my soul, my friends, and my will. He stole my sexuality, turning my fetishes against me, turning play-fighting into real hitting. Sex was mandatory, and I despaired and revelled in it at the same time. White powder blurs my memory of those days, when we were always searching for a better high, a crazier kink, another revelation. My squeaked-out words of protest went unheeded, for I wasn't able to survive on my own, or so I thought.

Eventually, I got out. Thats a long story, not entirely sad, but not the one I'm telling here.

I was 19. Leaving for university. Thinking myself soooo wise, so worldly, sooo strong. I didn't know, I think, how weak I was still. I slept with anyone that remotely piqued my interest, discarding them a couple weeks later, or being discarded. I wanted boys, girls, couples, anyone. I wanted to be in control. I wanted to be worth something.

A short, abortive relationship. After we broke up he raped me in my bed, drunk and there under the pretense of "talking." "You'll like it", he said. "You're so beautiful, I have to do this to you." He took advantage of the leash I had handed him, the buttons I gave him access to, even after I tried to take the other end of the leash back.

--------------------------------------------

The common thread of all these years: Sexuality based around submission. Whether it was being dragged out of me or thrown at someone's feet, I screamed, "take me." I drowned in losing myself, in the deep pools of dissociation, in the abjectness of it all.

I even found a healthy, happy output for this sexuality. When I was 20, I met my lover. We learn and grow together, experiment, teach, learn, take things too far, cry, and do it all again.

However, I find myself coming to a new phase in my sexuality. Does it have to do with stripping? Maybe I respect myself more because I have to, I need to maintain my boundaries in the club. Are these walls a remnant of my work persona, staying up too long?

My energies are all off. I feel desire, I feel attraction, but I don't feel passion or lust. My lover and I have slipped into the grind of life; sex happens in quick bursts, or on sundays. (the few sundays we are here.) I've fallen in lust with a dozen women in the past year, but I'm afraid to approach them now, when in the past I would have seduced, cajoled, charmed, and kissed my way into their beds. Now that I look at myself with some measure of respect, rather than careless abandon, it's harder to stand next to them and feel worthy. The beautiful tall damaged redhead. The candy-coloured cutie. The beautiful costumed women I meet at festivals across the country.

Every time I think I've found myself, figured out where I fit in, I feel the growing pains of my skin stretching and shifting again. Pulling over my bones, scraping, too thin here, too thick there.

My lover worries. I seem to be sick all the time. Is it mould in the walls? Anxiety? or simply a missalignment of the chakras? Do I have time to investigate these changes among my crazy life? To meditate on sadness and detachment? Can I convince myself that I am worthy again?

Has anyone else in the industry experienced this detachment of sexuality? I don't know if it is a common problem in general, or if my problem is just the transition from sub to not-sub. An equal (that still loves the whip.)

Perhaps I'm just always crazy, never in balance. Ah, well, where would I be without a quest to improve myself? Bored, I suppose.

Being Different

So tonight was decent at the club. There were a TON of bachelor parties there, and lots of them were buying in 1s and 2s. I only did one set of 4 which is odd for me.

The hard thing is that 2 other blonde girls who have been doing this like 2 weeks, max, both DOUBLED my income. more than, including tips, I'm sure. This leads me back on the track of getting down on myself... "I'm too fat, I'm too drunk, I'm not drunk enough, my hair's not long enough, my hairs not BLONDE enough!"

Now, I got a few people tonight that REALLY loved the red hair. But most of the blondes can have anyone. Proportionatly, there are way more people that love blonde hair than red hair.

I was going to go into a whole in-depth psychology thing but my brain-death just hit for the night and I'm starting to type gibberish.

Today, I am dirty.. want to be pretty..

I'm furious with myself today. I could have been working the last 2 nights, and because I'd planned not to, I didn't. Even though events changed and I would have been fine to work.

Goddammit.

Short Update

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've written. I've had a lot going on, but no clear thoughts to write about. I only have five minutes right now.

Last week was really stressful for me. I had a fantastic weekend at work, including an all-time high money wise. I got to meet some really fun people and generally just mess around. And then, during the week, a person from my past came back into my life. Dealing with this person was incredibly stressful and emotionally draining, so I didn't end up doing anything functional the entire weekend. I wanted to go climbing, work, go to aeirals drop in, but none of that happened. Instead I curled into a little ball, sweating and shaking with fever, afraid of the world outside.

So now, of course, I have no money.

Back to the real world, back to work, ignoring this person as best I can. I worked my day job monday and today, and got my hair done yesterday! It's super beautiful, red and purple microring human hair. I love it but it's been so long since I've had long hair, I'm totally clueless when it comes to styling.

I'm off to work tonight, I've never worked a weeknight so hopefully it will go ok. I wish I dared try the amateur contest again, but I need some guarunteed money, even if its only $100.

I wish I could make my brain be stable, push past the horrible feelings, and just be happy. Drugs (pharmaceutical or otherwise) become more and more appealing. But that's not who I want to be.

Maybe a winning lottery ticket will fall on me out of the sky.

Amateur Night Recap

Well, that was a complete bust.

"Oh look, I'm great on stage and can work the crowd..."

"Oh wait, I didn't even place. I guess I'm REAL great at my job."

I was top 5 but not top 3. Albeit, the girl that got first was the bartender, and apparently the girl that placed second competes all the time, and always wins. She definitely had some stripper moves. The girl that got third... was hotter than me? Had really loud friends? The crowd decides who wins.

I just feel like I'm not "typical" enough to do this job. I have a very small niche attraction. Like the girl at the carnival.

The few times I've pulled the money it's been great, but I get more and more discouraged as time goes on. Dammit. I so wanted to be good at something, once in my life.

Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie

So, in my life, I cycle from being an intelligent, fierce, ground-pounding, money-making tribal warrior,

into a drunken, manic, screaming, goth bitch,

into the soft kitten that sleeps in the corner.

BUT when I'm on, I'M ON. And this is one of the blogs that I've been reading when I am on, trying to learn some tricks about money and perhaps life. She tends to fill her blog with references to her motivational/teaching programs (which cost money), so I mist take it with a grain of salt, but even so. This article was the inspiration for my current train of thought.

My priorities have shifted, a little. They were extremely scrambled, i think.

number one is my mental health. It has always been precarious, but this year I have taken more time to recognize its triggers and patterns. These days I will let go of the requirements around me and let myself sleep and try to be happy. Part of this is working out at least once a week, taking days off to see my friends, and allowing myself time to get things done even if it means skipping work.

number two is my boy. I love him and he does a TON for me and I feel like I haven't been paying enough attention to him. Our life, our sex life, our house, takes precedence. What's it all for if not for him? (well for me too obviously, but the point is our mutual happiness.

number three is my edumacation. I spent all this time and money to be here, I like to consider myself an intelligent person, and I don't want the work I've put in all year to go to waste. It remains to be seen whether or not I will return. sociology & printmaking FTW.

number four is money, money, money. I love to travel, and I have already booked my flight out east in may. I bought my Emilie Autumn ticket for New York, and WON my ticket to Kinetik in Montreal! Whoooo! I also like stuff :D I bought a car, but I can't afford to insure it right now. I like to live comfortably, eat nice food, travel around locally, go out. Which brings me to:

number five is friends & fun. I try to leave myself time for that. it helps with #1.

SO because I've been so focused on one, two, and three, with a dash of five, that number four has suffered. I haven't been to work in three weeks (!!!) so that's why I'm so broke. That's also why I haven't had much to blog about! hahaha.

So, I'm off to work on number 3, with a little bit of number 5 later tonight hopefully :)

Dancing, always

So the last 2 nights at work have been pretty damn fun.

On friday, my regular couple came in to see me. They cheer me up so much, they are so young and cute and inappropriate. But I don't mind at all. (bad Trystan.) The girl is short and sweet and innocent, and they come in just to see me. The last time they were here it was the youthful rite of passage, the "oh my girlfriends is bisexual, I'll take her to the rippers," the oggling curiosity. Now, they adore me. In my punky, down-to-earth, rampant sexuality.

Last night was fun, too, though it was UFC night which is always weird. The place was packed from a pub crawl too, but the guys on pub crawls never have any money and there's too many girls! Sometimes theres a good couple people, but you have to sift through the entire crowd to find them. I met a guy at the end of the night, and it was one of the first times I felt I really inticed someone with conversation. We got to talking about motorbikes, among other things, and did dance after dance after dance. I really enjoyed it and it really bumped up my earlier shitty time.

I keep missing the slot between last call and 2:30 where you grab the guys for a last VIP on their way out. On friday it was because I had a last-call drink with a table of lawyers, who bought 5 dances between 2 of them, but I missed that last dance afterwards. Last night, at least it was because I was working.

So, it's been good. I paid back half of the money I've taken out of savings to buy boots and pay rent.. so hopefully I can get back on saving for that motorbike :D:D

sucky suck.

Tonight was shit. I made a lousy 200. I am 90% sure the girl counted my dances wrong, but what proof do I have? None. I learned a couple hard newbie lessons tonight, and I'm not very happy with myself.

*Keep your dance tickets
*Don't believe guys when they say they are going to tip you, they just have to go to the ATM.

Ugh. I really wanted to take a weekend off in March and go snowboarding and see some people, but if I want to do the trips I'm planning I really can't afford to. Especially if things continue as they are. Ugggghhh.

And my braids turned out less-than-spectacular, due to my thin short hair, cheap extension hair, and rushing them. Goddammit.

On the plus side, I had an amazing night at the club with my friends last night! It was a really good time! I hung out with my girls, saw a bunch of amazing people, and went to a neat little afterparty at a gorgeous apartment.

It's funny, $200 is WAY more than my best night at the bar that I worked at last spring, and would still be considered a decent day tree planting, and is double what I make in a shift at my day job, BUT in comparison it feels horrible! I should be compensated better for dancing my naked ass off! Lol.

Live and learn, little gypsy, live and learn. You are young yet.

Life goes on.. simply!

So I was going to whine that no one ever updates their blog, but I haven't updated since sunday, so really I'm a hypocrite.

I have been working my butt off on school projects, and I repaired my down jacket last night because it's now cold as HELL here! Quite literally! It is -20 C right now! Ugh.

I have been reading http://zenhabits.net and nodding along. I am so tired of living in my apartment with my roomates.. I have way too much stuff. I feel like I don't have the time to go through it and do the "stuff purge" that desperately needs to be done. I own too many backpacks, too many clothes, too many boxes filled with random things. It's too hard to keep things clean when they are all covered. I can't find the clothes I want to wear and sometimes I find things I forgot I had. (I still refuse to get rid of shoes, though. haha. Though I have at least 3 pairs I rarely wear, but then when I need them nothing else will do. And I still want to buy a pair of New Rocks.. if I ever save enough money to buy a bike.)

I have STILL been spending recklessly. I have only taken $100 out of my savings (1/2 my income) but I didn't plan very well for rent... in other words, I won't have any spending money next week after I put money in savings and pay rent this weekend. Not to mention the couple hundred dollars on my credit card, plus my phone bill. *sighs*. I'm back to working my day job twice a week, rather than once in the last 2 weeks, so hopefully it will go back to paying the bills and I can save some more. I really, really, cannot wait to be done school so I can have a routine, work more, save more, and enjoy my free time more... *rolls eyes*.

Who am I kidding, in the summer I'm taking 3 dance classes and going on 3 seperate vacations. Plus a canoe/climbing trip or two. hopefully that will be midweek so I can still bank thu-sun. The hardest part about budgeting is my income is unpredictable... Hence why I should be paying things a bit at a time rather than waiting all until the end of the month! Eurgh!

Enough ranting! I'm going to go buy a coffee. fuck saving my change. *pbths at herself*

Money Money

So the last two nights at work have been really fun. I haven't felt like hustling at all, so I've been inclined to just sit around at the bar, or at tables with young working guys, and shoot the shit. Honestly, it has paid off.

On friday, one guy in a group of 4 bought me several drinks and dances. The bachelorette party sitting on the raised platform above handcuffed one of his friends to a railing, and I proceded to jump in and help bargain for his release.

"You should let him go on the condition that he buys you a dance," I tell the girl. She's quite pretty, but not one of those chi-chi girls that comes in sometimes.
"Only if my friend can come too," she replies, dangling the keys in front of our poor amigo.
"Hey! I want to watch!" complains handcuffed boy.

So... I took all 3 of them for a dance. It was quite enjoyable, not to mention 3 times the money for the same amount of work.

The rest of friday wasn't particularly remarkable, but I left at 1 to go home and play some guitar hero and enjoy some 1-on-1 time, so it wasn't particularly luctrative either. I'm totally spoiled by the fact that if I don't feel like working, its just another fun night out at the bar. All you plebs with your 9-5s, if you dont feel like working you are still stuck in an office! heeheehee.

Saturday was also mucho fun.. I had one guy who bought a total of 1/2 hour of dances and tipped me more than he paid for the dances... and I got to do a doubles dance with another girl to finish up the night. So I was back to my average, despite only starting work at about 10;30.

Unfortunately I'm still gonna be short for rent. I might try and go in on thursday after my night class, or early on friday and then take off to go to my fun dancy dance party with my friends... yay hard industrial! Hopefully my gorgeous white boots get here before then! fuck you canadian customs!

*wiggles around happily*

Oh, obviously I'm feeling much better. Ignore previous emo posts. Yay!

Stripper Karma

I had a seriously decent night at work last night. Despite the fact the place was relatively empty, I had a fantastic conversation with J., whom I just met but hope to see again. He is entertaining, good looking, and buys dances... it would be nice to have some good regulars.

I still feel like there are some elements of "strip club etiquette" that I'm just not getting. I can never figure out what to say when a guy asks, "well, what are you gonna do differently next time?" "More of the same, numbnuts, and you're going to love it!"

well I don't actually say that.

Tonight I'm going to cook vegetarian spaghetti and then work a long shift. Woot!

So... Life

So I went shoe shopping yesterday, and man was it a disaster. I figured out I don't REALLY have size 10 feet, I have just always bought size 10 because I need the width in the toes. But when buying heels, I just slip down in the size 10s. I can wear boots fine, because the upper holds my foot in, but when its just a little ankle strap, or no strap at all, its a disaster. I even looked at cross-dressing heels built for men, but they are very ugly.

One pair of Pleasers I tried weren't too bad, but I'm still fairly wobbly on stillettos vs. a more chunky boot heel. I may go back and get them later, but I think for now I will stick with my boots.

My other biggest issue is.. hair removal. waxing causes ingrowns. shaving causes razor burn. I'm almost ready to start dropping $200/session on laser removal, but I'm just not quite making enough money yet.

Off to work tonight.. it feels like I've been working much longer than I have.. but I haven't. I am still learning, so I still can't predict how tonight will go. Confidence is key.

Smile, "me love you long time!"

Whirlwind Weekend

Friday: Photoshoot

Schoolgirl in the rain, meet me out by the bikeracks. You bring the vodka, I'll bring the brass knuckles. Dripping blood and tears. Hot hot hot. It reminds me of t.a.t.u.'s lesbian make-out video.

I got a great skirt out of the deal.

Saturday: Dance around with all your clothes off

haircut: $60
agency fee: $200
security clearance: $30
liscensing fee: $120

first nights take: $450

Dancing isn't hard. It's the hustle that's hard. Keeping up a conversation. Making the patron believe you only want to talk to them, and nobody else in the bar, and you're not just here for their money.

Chatting with a couple, decent looking guy and a gorgeous tattooed chick with tons of tatts and cute piercings, and they argue over who will pay for her private dance. I lead her by the hand, touch her shoulder, touch her arm, wish every patron could be like her.

"I wish I could take you home and beat you," she laments with a smile when I finish.
(I wish she could to), I answer in my head. Out loud,
"Come back. see my stage show. be my regular." (let me get to know you so I can come home with you..)

I'm not sure if I want to go to work tonight... I'm lazy. I would have to leave in less than 2 hours.

less than 1 hour now. oops. ciao for now darlings.

travels of the fae

i am:
an artist
an exotic dancer
a climber
a costume designer

dreaming of a thousand journeys. motorbikes, waterfalls, mountains.

This is the platform for the chronicling of these journeys. It is not for the faint of heart! Beware, all ye who enter here. don't share my secrets.