Saturday, March 13, 2010

Nothing tonight

Tonight... was a write off. I showed up at 8, dressed in my shiny bra and a garter belt, extensions and makeup perfectly done. At 8 pm there were about 5 cars in the parking lot and about as many people inside the club.

As the night wore on, I talked to everyone in the club... until about 10. Then slowly I got more discouraged, talked to a few different people, managed to pick the people who were interesting but didn't have any money. More and more girls showed up... it's only my 2nd night back, but I knew less than half of the dancers. The only people making money were the top earners/features.

I left with $25 (a table tip) and no dances sold at 12:30. On tuesday I had only sold 2 dances as of 1:30 and I stayed and still made $200. But tonight there were too many girls and I was already getting tired and frustrated.

I feel like a quitter. But at least I showed the fuck up. Oh well. Another day tomorrow.

I start stage shows on Monday! ai. Exciting but scary.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Back to work

Soooo I'm back! I returned to work last night, and it's hard. Their is a tragic reality that I still feel a sense of heirarchy, a sense of whether or not I'm as good as the next person. (In all aspects of life.) Words stumble and tumble abruptly from my lips when I try to have conversations with people. I have no sexy answer. I don't know what to say.

"Be yourself," you say.
Myself is sharp and abrasive, sarcastic or oblivious, self-effacing and sometimes shy. I don't know how to respond to peoples' questions or what to say to rude comments or empty silences.

But I showed up. And I tried. And I didn't sit too long by myself, only for a little while. I didn't go to work tonight because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY and I bought myself shoes on a really great sale :) They are amazing and adorable... <3 I also bought an iPhone and case and junk... damn those cases are expensive.

I am back tomorrow. I want to be good at this. I want to show up and dance. I want to make a lot of money. I want to manage it well, get out of debt, blah blah blah. Pay taxes?? If I have to I guess.

I used to write well but then I got distracted by the interwebs. dammit. More stories soon.