Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm going treeplanting.. again.

I hated it by the end of the summer last time. But now I'm excited. fuckin trees.

A collection of quotes:

It turned out that one of her other toenails was cutting into it somehow, and when she took off her boot to investigate, she discovered her foot was pretty bloody. I asked how she had dealt with it, and she said, "I didn't have nail clippers, so I chewed off my toenail, and it was fine after that."

July 21st: I spent the day doing dump runs. The Fox Creek dump is fairly low-tech. I showed up on the first run and asked how much it was to dump the load, and the attendant (who was feeding peanuts to a squirrel) asked how big my truck was. I told him, and then asked if he took credit cards. He thought for a minute, looked around at the trees, and said, "Does it look like I take credit cards?" Good point. I went back to town to get cash from the ATM.

"unless you are really gunning to experience dabbling in alcoholism, crying in front of strangers, and getting your first venereal disease, you should not go treeplanting"

"treeplanting will not allow you to think about your life, it will allow you to hide from the real world long enough to make you realize you would rather subject yourself to the mental and physical tortures of living in the bush rather than get a real job that requires you to shower, has a dress code, you are not allowed to swear, setting things on fire is frowned upon, you can't get drunk every day, and you are not allowed to smoke constantly."

I'm a masochist...

Monday, January 17, 2011

To all the ex lovers

to her:

I understand you're hurtin, but I'm hurtin too, what would you have me do? Tear out my own heart too? How could I have stopped feeling? If you could stop loving him would you? Am I supposed to stop loving him to make you happy? I know the two of you weren't happy together, but you stayed in your rut, in your habits, hurting eachother again and again. What happens if I go, if I cut all ties, leave this place I love, as I did once before? You and I will both be heartbroken and he will be alone? I gave you your 2nd chance, you have a million more, I make no claims.

I understand if you don't want to be friends, but lately you're making it really hard to even exist, to be civil. I have chosen him over you, and now you are going to fight me every step of the way... How do I behave... how do I make my way through this bed of coals. If you make him choose between me and his daughter, ah, Pele, that's cruelty. Brutality. Deep sadness reigns.

to him: I loved you so much, I did, but I grow and change and move on and you stayed the same, you stayed in the same place, and there wasn't any challennge or magic left anymore. I played at making a home but I ended up just sad. I wonder what I gave up and what I left behind and I think I'm happier now... but there's always a question.

to the first one: I made so many promises, so young, you wanted all of me, you wanted to mold me, you wanted to posess me forever. I still wonder how you're doing and where you are, I still want to be able to take you in my arms and make you feel better, but I'm so scared of you still. I know how she feels, because I know how you feel.

Love is not enough. Love is never enough. we are all fighting and dreaming and struggling to make it and be happy in this world. Take every moment as a gift, as something blessed that might be over at any moment. Bleed and take the pain you recieve as the price of the happiness you get. Wear your sadness with grace on weary shoulders and move on, cry and live your life, I won't apologize for who I am. I warned you all. You had your chances. I can't make my choices to make you happy. You can't control what other people choose. All you can do is breath and take another step, another day.

Forgive me if you will. Or don't. Just live for you.