Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Life goes on.. simply!

So I was going to whine that no one ever updates their blog, but I haven't updated since sunday, so really I'm a hypocrite.

I have been working my butt off on school projects, and I repaired my down jacket last night because it's now cold as HELL here! Quite literally! It is -20 C right now! Ugh.

I have been reading and nodding along. I am so tired of living in my apartment with my roomates.. I have way too much stuff. I feel like I don't have the time to go through it and do the "stuff purge" that desperately needs to be done. I own too many backpacks, too many clothes, too many boxes filled with random things. It's too hard to keep things clean when they are all covered. I can't find the clothes I want to wear and sometimes I find things I forgot I had. (I still refuse to get rid of shoes, though. haha. Though I have at least 3 pairs I rarely wear, but then when I need them nothing else will do. And I still want to buy a pair of New Rocks.. if I ever save enough money to buy a bike.)

I have STILL been spending recklessly. I have only taken $100 out of my savings (1/2 my income) but I didn't plan very well for rent... in other words, I won't have any spending money next week after I put money in savings and pay rent this weekend. Not to mention the couple hundred dollars on my credit card, plus my phone bill. *sighs*. I'm back to working my day job twice a week, rather than once in the last 2 weeks, so hopefully it will go back to paying the bills and I can save some more. I really, really, cannot wait to be done school so I can have a routine, work more, save more, and enjoy my free time more... *rolls eyes*.

Who am I kidding, in the summer I'm taking 3 dance classes and going on 3 seperate vacations. Plus a canoe/climbing trip or two. hopefully that will be midweek so I can still bank thu-sun. The hardest part about budgeting is my income is unpredictable... Hence why I should be paying things a bit at a time rather than waiting all until the end of the month! Eurgh!

Enough ranting! I'm going to go buy a coffee. fuck saving my change. *pbths at herself*

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Money Money

So the last two nights at work have been really fun. I haven't felt like hustling at all, so I've been inclined to just sit around at the bar, or at tables with young working guys, and shoot the shit. Honestly, it has paid off.

On friday, one guy in a group of 4 bought me several drinks and dances. The bachelorette party sitting on the raised platform above handcuffed one of his friends to a railing, and I proceded to jump in and help bargain for his release.

"You should let him go on the condition that he buys you a dance," I tell the girl. She's quite pretty, but not one of those chi-chi girls that comes in sometimes.
"Only if my friend can come too," she replies, dangling the keys in front of our poor amigo.
"Hey! I want to watch!" complains handcuffed boy.

So... I took all 3 of them for a dance. It was quite enjoyable, not to mention 3 times the money for the same amount of work.

The rest of friday wasn't particularly remarkable, but I left at 1 to go home and play some guitar hero and enjoy some 1-on-1 time, so it wasn't particularly luctrative either. I'm totally spoiled by the fact that if I don't feel like working, its just another fun night out at the bar. All you plebs with your 9-5s, if you dont feel like working you are still stuck in an office! heeheehee.

Saturday was also mucho fun.. I had one guy who bought a total of 1/2 hour of dances and tipped me more than he paid for the dances... and I got to do a doubles dance with another girl to finish up the night. So I was back to my average, despite only starting work at about 10;30.

Unfortunately I'm still gonna be short for rent. I might try and go in on thursday after my night class, or early on friday and then take off to go to my fun dancy dance party with my friends... yay hard industrial! Hopefully my gorgeous white boots get here before then! fuck you canadian customs!

*wiggles around happily*

Oh, obviously I'm feeling much better. Ignore previous emo posts. Yay!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Oh, and also,

Here's a preview shot from my awesome shoot on sunday.. I also did a wicked shoot today, one of those shoots with crazy chemistry when you're trying to work but one of you is naked and your skin sizzles with tension and sparks with desire. But there's a camera between you. so you just tease and shoot and try to capture that energy on film.

bride in the insane asylum... (click for full view)

Soooooo I'm drunk

I've been acting out lately, wallowing in my personality disorder, taking things too far again. I push the limits because I can, because it makes me high, because I get bored. I work myself to death because if I have free time I stagnate and become boring. I create drama because I need something to talk about and something to make me feel, alive, or broken, or on fire. I am a mess at any given moment, even though I really don't have to be.

That's just the way I am. Maybe I could change it. I look at myself, disparaging, and laugh in that high, sarcastic, crazy way.

I take my clothes off and bask in the adulation.

I take my skin off and show everyone the twisted bits underneath.

I am made of tempered glass, transparent, sharp, bulletproof, defracting light and confusing things even when you can see my soul.

I try to be good for a long time, but eventually I just can't keep it up anymore. I WANT someone to get mad at me again. I want to hit rock bottom again. I want to fall apart.

why? I don't know.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Things are slipping apart again, so soon, dammit

Excerpts from a letter I wrote...

"This is the seed of doubt. It festers in the darkness, and when the lights are on, when i am happy, you can't see into the shadows. But that seed of doubt lies in wait, catches fire to fill the darkness with destruction.

My heart cries in anguish as I write, trying to give form and organization to the thoughts that keep creeping back in under my skin.

Maybe the fault is my own. Who would trust a gypsy? How can you believe that someone with itchy feet and a turbulent personality wants a place to come home to?

The seed of doubt grows, roots twisting around her heart, and down into her soul. Perhaps if she rips out her own heart, making a clean break before the roots are too deep, her soul might survive when hope finally dies. She thinks, it is probably already too deep."

you will never love her enough....

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I have lots to say, but I have to finish a report and study for a midterm. Most of what I have to say revolves around how much I hate school anyways. Also, I hate bleeding from my nether regions and feeling un-pretty. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, because I really need to make money this weekend.

Monday, February 9, 2009

good morning blogosphere

I'm rather miserable today. Trying to finish a project and I forgot my wallet at home, so I'm going to have to go home to print it and hopefully find some food.

All I want to do lately is work, hang out with Rob, and design clothes. And yet I'm stuck doing all this school junk. blegh.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Saturday Night PMS

So I totally flaked on going to work last night. I just felt like it was one of those nights where I might cry at the slightest provocation. I'm still mildly disapointed in myself, though I don't think it's quite the end of the world. Instead of trying to deal with my crazy emotions, I just cocoon and hide. I just hope it doesn't become too much of a habit, and I still make lots of money this month. heh.

I made dinner and cleaned the house though, and chilled and watched movies. I bought guitar hero III, but the stupid girl at the store didn't put the disk in the case! I have to go back and get it today. Though I can't play until I write 2 reports. And maybe study some art history *bleh*. I can't wait to be finished school... ergh.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Stripper Karma

I had a seriously decent night at work last night. Despite the fact the place was relatively empty, I had a fantastic conversation with J., whom I just met but hope to see again. He is entertaining, good looking, and buys dances... it would be nice to have some good regulars.

I still feel like there are some elements of "strip club etiquette" that I'm just not getting. I can never figure out what to say when a guy asks, "well, what are you gonna do differently next time?" "More of the same, numbnuts, and you're going to love it!"

well I don't actually say that.

Tonight I'm going to cook vegetarian spaghetti and then work a long shift. Woot!

Friday, February 6, 2009

So... Life

So I went shoe shopping yesterday, and man was it a disaster. I figured out I don't REALLY have size 10 feet, I have just always bought size 10 because I need the width in the toes. But when buying heels, I just slip down in the size 10s. I can wear boots fine, because the upper holds my foot in, but when its just a little ankle strap, or no strap at all, its a disaster. I even looked at cross-dressing heels built for men, but they are very ugly.

One pair of Pleasers I tried weren't too bad, but I'm still fairly wobbly on stillettos vs. a more chunky boot heel. I may go back and get them later, but I think for now I will stick with my boots.

My other biggest issue is.. hair removal. waxing causes ingrowns. shaving causes razor burn. I'm almost ready to start dropping $200/session on laser removal, but I'm just not quite making enough money yet.

Off to work tonight.. it feels like I've been working much longer than I have.. but I haven't. I am still learning, so I still can't predict how tonight will go. Confidence is key.

Smile, "me love you long time!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

SHOES glorious shoes...

Not that I don't already own enough shoes... but here are some I have been drooling over. I will probably try to find a pair in town first, as my feet are very finicky. I have one very cute pair I got for $30 at a halloween store, but because they have a closed (pointed) toe, I can't wear them for very long.

Both off ebay:

Versace fall collection 2009


Non-work shoes I am drooling over:

Demonia Cyber-stackers via Amazon

New Rock Goodies:

A short list of the shoes I own: (pictures someday)

Fluevog Grand Nationals ($600)
~Swear 4" trucks (calf) ($300)
~PVC lace-up boots, 6" heel ($200)
~Custom Ayyawear motorcycle boots ($400)
~Helly Hansen flat lace-up winterboots ($200)
~Wal-mart patent platform heels (free)
~Aldo wedge boots (free)
~classy stilettos
~PVC Mary Janes ($30)
~nameless Steampunk heels (Army & Navy, $30)
PLUS Pennalagen Dreams white high-heeled calf-height buckle boots in the mail!
(plus a few pairs of practical shoes.. heh..)

Cinnamon Dreams

I love my life. I love sunday mornings, relaxed and full of food, and sunday afternoons studying.

I'm on a quest. I have a thousand goals and hopes and dreams and ideas that i want to spit out into the world.

Quests for now:
~do well in school
~save lots of money
~climb on tuesdays and do yoga on fridays

Quests for the spring:

~yoga on fridays
~hoop dance class
~aerial skills class
~practice violin

Summer travels:
~Kinetik Festival in Montreal May 14-17
~Emilie Autumn show in New York May 22
~North Saskatchewan River whitewater trip
~Shambhala (Nelson, BC) August 5-11
~Burning Man (Reno, Nevada) August 31 - September 7
~Las Vegas? San Francisco? L.A.!!
~Fly to New Zealand via LAX

~Indonesia, Thailand, India, Nepal

All the while dancing my way across the continents....

So, my dear friends, I will be focusing on physical creative endeavors, along with hopefully making some costumes for burning man, and dancing around naked of course, hopefully for massive amounts of cash. Well, we'll see.