Saturday, May 16, 2009


So I have been here in Montreal for 2 days now.

My flight here, I had a small 21-month-old child pulling my dreads and grabbing my stuff the entire time. Then, on my $60 cab ride, the cab driver hit on me the entire time. When I finally arrived at the venue, I was mostly too moody and tired to have a lot of fun. But I danced a little towards the end of the night. 

Stumbling home, laughing, 4 of us. Silence and loneliness in bed, missing my lover. A blip of catharsis, methadone to my heroin. Waking up from vivid dreams, twitching. We got up at 8:30 to go get free breakfast, and crawled back into bed. I am sleeping on a pull-out couch in a room with a couple of the girls. 

We got out of the room by about 2, wandered around hunting for poutine. We went to a bunch of army surplus stores too. I saw a friend of ours wearing an awesome skirt, and got the name of the store she got it from, and went to buy the exact same one. But I got a fantastic sweater, too. 

Last night at the party was pretty frickin' awesome. I danced my pants off to Soman, and got some thrashing in to God Module and Grendel and Accessory. Wandered off for a while to get pizza with Scott and Chris. 

Anyways, we are off to go shopping. :D yay :D

Sunday, May 10, 2009

People, Contradictions, and Cars

So as I said, I went to work on wednesday. It was pretty good, did just over my minimum number of dances, and had some fun.

One of the first customers I sat down with had a company logo dress shirt on, was here making synthetic diamonds from LA, and talked about how much money he had. He was relatively polite and charming, but only bought one dance, and during that dance tried to grab my boob under the pretense of looking at my nipple ring.

One of the last customers I sat down with had a hockey jersey on, bling in his ears, and a baseball cap. He brushed me off earlier in the night with a "maybe later", but at the very end of the night I got him to go for a VIP with me. (4 dances, in my club.) He then offered to tip me $300 for the priviledge of playing with my boobs. He did this BEFORE he tried to grab.

I took it. I know, rule bending, but its within the line I've drawn for myself. He offered more for more and I turned it down. But it just goes to show that appearances can be decieving. I'm obviously still not quite as good as I think I am at picking types of people out of a crowd.

Anyways. I was in a car crash on thursday night on the way home from the Star Trek movie... My lover was driving and turned left on a green, didn't see the car coming straight through the intersection. The other driving slammed into the passenger side wheel well. I pretty much had a screaming panic attack, but I'm mostly ok. Some sore muscles. But the car is pretty much totalled, so I'm glad I bought my car.

I'm falling apart again, but no one will save me. I am left floundering, alone, like when you throw your kid in the lake and say, "learn to swim, or drown." They say, "Wake up. Just feel better. Just get a grip on yourself. Just tell yourself to stop feeling that way." It doesn't work like that.

Oh well. Everything seems flat, now, dead. Silence reigns. I'm not sure what to do with myself, quiet, hurting.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Short Update

Wow, it's been 2 weeks since I've written. I've had a lot going on, but no clear thoughts to write about. I only have five minutes right now.

Last week was really stressful for me. I had a fantastic weekend at work, including an all-time high money wise. I got to meet some really fun people and generally just mess around. And then, during the week, a person from my past came back into my life. Dealing with this person was incredibly stressful and emotionally draining, so I didn't end up doing anything functional the entire weekend. I wanted to go climbing, work, go to aeirals drop in, but none of that happened. Instead I curled into a little ball, sweating and shaking with fever, afraid of the world outside.

So now, of course, I have no money.

Back to the real world, back to work, ignoring this person as best I can. I worked my day job monday and today, and got my hair done yesterday! It's super beautiful, red and purple microring human hair. I love it but it's been so long since I've had long hair, I'm totally clueless when it comes to styling.

I'm off to work tonight, I've never worked a weeknight so hopefully it will go ok. I wish I dared try the amateur contest again, but I need some guarunteed money, even if its only $100.

I wish I could make my brain be stable, push past the horrible feelings, and just be happy. Drugs (pharmaceutical or otherwise) become more and more appealing. But that's not who I want to be.

Maybe a winning lottery ticket will fall on me out of the sky.