Monday, January 17, 2011

To all the ex lovers

to her:

I understand you're hurtin, but I'm hurtin too, what would you have me do? Tear out my own heart too? How could I have stopped feeling? If you could stop loving him would you? Am I supposed to stop loving him to make you happy? I know the two of you weren't happy together, but you stayed in your rut, in your habits, hurting eachother again and again. What happens if I go, if I cut all ties, leave this place I love, as I did once before? You and I will both be heartbroken and he will be alone? I gave you your 2nd chance, you have a million more, I make no claims.

I understand if you don't want to be friends, but lately you're making it really hard to even exist, to be civil. I have chosen him over you, and now you are going to fight me every step of the way... How do I behave... how do I make my way through this bed of coals. If you make him choose between me and his daughter, ah, Pele, that's cruelty. Brutality. Deep sadness reigns.

to him: I loved you so much, I did, but I grow and change and move on and you stayed the same, you stayed in the same place, and there wasn't any challennge or magic left anymore. I played at making a home but I ended up just sad. I wonder what I gave up and what I left behind and I think I'm happier now... but there's always a question.

to the first one: I made so many promises, so young, you wanted all of me, you wanted to mold me, you wanted to posess me forever. I still wonder how you're doing and where you are, I still want to be able to take you in my arms and make you feel better, but I'm so scared of you still. I know how she feels, because I know how you feel.

Love is not enough. Love is never enough. we are all fighting and dreaming and struggling to make it and be happy in this world. Take every moment as a gift, as something blessed that might be over at any moment. Bleed and take the pain you recieve as the price of the happiness you get. Wear your sadness with grace on weary shoulders and move on, cry and live your life, I won't apologize for who I am. I warned you all. You had your chances. I can't make my choices to make you happy. You can't control what other people choose. All you can do is breath and take another step, another day.

Forgive me if you will. Or don't. Just live for you.

1 comment:

  1. Not to do with this posting, but more a remembering now that you have popped up in my side bar from updating... I wish you well Danica.

    You have definitely left an imprint on me, a good one, and I will miss your energy and vibe around our little gang :)

    I hope you do well with your fashions and dreams, and not regret the choices you make to be yourself. You're pretty awesome, and it was a tough pill to swallow when you left. Understandable and we knew, but still.

    Go rock on your own terms dear, you are transcendent. :)