Thursday, January 29, 2009

This fractured girl

This fractured girl, this creature lying in the snow, afraid to move, afraid to breathe, in case she shatters the delicate balance. She knows, eventually her neurotic tendencies, her disorganization, her lost-child-mentality, become too much to handle. She knows, eventually, she is better off left to her own devices, to succeed or fail for no one's benefit but her own. When she can no longer reach out, scrambling, for help in the witching hour, she knows she can't let you see the aftermath either.

It's all or nothing with her, even still after the advances she has made, she still doesn't believe she can fix herself. So when the bend begins to crack, she feels there's no return to whole and healthy.

Maybe this belief is self-defeatist. Maybe this belief is a self-fulfilling prophecy. But these beliefs aren't easily shaken. There are no promises made, no one who said "I'll be there for you, no matter what, no matter when." There is no "forever." There's no such thing as forever. And when she's no longer strong enough, no longer together enough, that's it.

So? Where do I go from here? Fake it till I make it? Give up like I always have? Pretend that maybe later, I'll grow up and be all better? Ha. Other people don't deserve to have me mad at them for not being available at 4 o'clock in the morning. But I will be. So, again, I feel like I have to save other people from becoming collateral damage to my own self-destruction.

Also, school is stressful as fuck, as usual. I have way too many things going on. Very cool photoshoot coming up in a couple weeks.

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