Why?

Why am I allowing this to happen?

It is the equivalent of running away before the end, of hurting myself so that no one else can hurt me, of damaging myself so very badly that no one can do a worse job of it. If I'm going to feel horribly guilty for making her sad, I'd rather feel horribly guilty for giving her what she wants even with an ulterior motive.

And yet I think my motivations are multi- I honestly want to see her happy.  I'm curious. I'm lonely and tired.

I miss Minna.

I laugh on the outside and die on the inside.

I fall in love with pairs. With communities, with families, people I want to slide in beside. I so wish I could be a part, all I want is to be let in, and she'll never ever let me. I fell in love with her too and no one knows that. So it all hurt, it all hurts so much, I retreat to the dream world, I drown drown drown, maybe I can leave this life behind and find somewhere the the ozone doesn't dissolve, sliding away like a veil to reveal the tender, pulsing heart of something you love so much.

I'm running, running, running.